Taxi-Cab Consternations

I have discovered a much more fun and effective way to converse with Dubai cabbies. First, I abandon my natural speaking voice, which is decidedly flimsy and muppet-esque.

Then I SPEAK BOLDLY AND EMPHATICALLY, punctuating my comments with BIG HAND GESTURES, all the while SCOWLING SLIGHTLY. I also eliminate extraneous verbs and descriptors. No pussy-footing around, no softening up statements with nice Canadian humming and hawing. In Dubai English (Dinglish), it's all about getting to the point.

What follows is a transcript of a recent chat I had with a cabbie using my new technique.

Cabbie: WHERE FROM? (In same tone as, "WHO TOOK MY COOKIES?!")

Me: CANADA! (In same tone as, "IT WAS I WHO TOOK YOUR DAMN COOKIES, AND WHAT IS MORE, I'D DO IT AGAIN!)

Cabbie: CANADA! TOO MUCH COLD! (In Dinglish, "too much" means "very".)

Me: DUBAI! TOO MUCH HOT!

Cabbie: (Chortles with glee. Gives me great eye contact in the rear-view mirror. Gives road zero eye contact). YES! SOON-SOON! TOO MUCH HOT!

Me: WHERE FROM?

Cabbie: PAKISTAN! HOW LONG IN DUBAI?

Me: SINCE SEPTEMBER. (Big, sweeping hand gesture.) I LOOK FOR A JOB SINCE SEPTEMBER! I FIND NOTHING!

Cabbie: NO JOBS NOW! VERY BAD. DUBAI, NO JOBS. BAD FOR TAXI. (Sweeping, furious hand gesture.)

Me: (Angry grunt of approval. "Aye-ya-yai" hand gesture.)

Cabbie: (Echoes angry grunt. Honks his horn and makes his own "Aye-ya-yai" hand gesture as an expensive Land Rover with heavily-tinted windows cuts us off.) 

YOU SEE, RICH GUY. THEY HAVE ALL MONEY. ALL MONEY IN WORLD, MAYBE 5 PEOPLE HAVE IT. WE NORMAL PEOPLE HAVE NOTHING. THIS IS LIFE.

Me: THIS IS LIFE. I AM LUCKY. MY HUSBAND HAS A JOB.

Cabbie: YES! HUSBAND JOB! YOU KIDS!

Me: NO!

Cabbie: WHY NO KIDS!

Me: NO!

Cabbie: KIDS! (Bangs hand on steering wheel).

Me: LATER, KIDS. NOW, I WANT TO WORK. I AM A WORKER. (Huge, hailing my comrade-workers hand gesture.)

Cabbie: I WORK TOO MUCH HARD!

Me: YES! TAXI DRIVING, DIFFICULT! (I actually completely agree with this. It's a hell of a job).

Cabbie: (Cutting someone else off. Horns honk behind us. He looks pleased.) BAD DRIVERS! 

Me: WOMEN ARE BEST DRIVERS! (Deciding to stir the pot).

Cabbie: (Gives me an "Are you insane?" look in the rearview and chuckles nervously, stepping on the gas).

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Cabbie: (Returning to earlier, more promising theme) MAYBE 5 PEOPLE IN WORLD HAVE ALL MONEY!

Me: (Stepping out of cab): AND NONE OF THEM ARE WOMEN!